Who needs blood sacrifices to be lucky - one dodgy meal will leave you very flush indeed

THE toilet saved my life. Yes it is a different kind of placethis. Being used to the Scandinavian, and the not-so-differentScottish lifestyle, I knew that a few incidents out of the ordinarymight occur. One of my friends was particularly negative and saidthat he expected me being chased around Istanbul with hordes ofpeople carrying knives and stuff after me.

So far there have only been a few bizarre events, and the onlymajor problem has been language-wise. Such as one interview I madethe other day, when the journalist asked me: "How you are, misterStabbrom?" and I simply replied: "Fine." This interview, accordingto the club's interpreter, was written as a long article where Icriticised, in-depth, Besiktas as a club and the system that weplay.

This, combined with the fact that I played at my absolute worstlast weekend, could be the reason for what apparently happened attraining last week, a training session that I was absent from due toa severe reaction to something I had eaten the previous day. Withoutgoing into further details, I can say that I might be the firstperson in history that has had his life saved because he had 'theshits'!

You see, I was somewhere between my bed and the toilet when thetelephone started ringing from various Norwegian journalists who hadseen a report on the internet about an alleged gunman at Besiktastraining. This person had somehow managed to get through securityand charged into our training facilities carrying a gun. I, ofcourse, didn't know quite how to respond, having not attended thetraining.

I couldn't help wondering, though. The gunman had apparently notfired and there was only one person missing from training that day.Me! What if he was angry after my last performance and had hadenough - maybe he wanted to finish me off. In all fairness, if thereshould be a death penalty for bad performances on the footballpitch, they would have electrocuted me after the last game. Or, asthe Aberdeen physio John Sharpe would add here, "you would havehanged years ago". You see, my good friend John has always claimedthat I must have Jesus Christ as an agent for clubs like Aberdeenand Besiktas to sign me.

There are a couple of other incidents that have happened downhere which makes me realise that I am no longer living in Scotland -such as travelling to my first away match with the club, when thebus stopped in the middle of nowhere. I rose from my seat, only todiscover a small gathering in front of the bus. Then I took a closerlook and I saw that this gathering also included a knife and a poorchosen little sheep. Then they killed the sheep and started to smearhis blood on the front of the bus.

I was shocked and asked what was happening. It is for good luck,they replied. Hmmmm. I don't know about the Scots, but for usNorwegians it has never been a sign of good luck to see a movingvehicle with blood on the front. I would also think that this is nota good idea to import to Britain, what with foot and mouth.

We drew the match 2-2, so I can only speculate what the otherteam killed to equal our good luck.

This weekend, though, is an international one, which means I havea couple of days off. So, earlier in the week, I took a welcomesmall holiday to experience the Asian parts of this metropolis.

I did know that Fenerbahce, one of Besiktas's arch rivals, weresituated in the area, but I had no idea that they were playing amatch that day. So of course I ended up in the middle of hundreds ofFenerbahce fans on their way to the stadium, and then somebodyrecognised me. "Stabbrum" was the only word I understood, as some ofthem were pointing at me. But they were smiling and just holdingthumbs down.

Then I suddenly did experience violence - but not from footballfans. No, from a 60-year-old woman. A woman who really didn't followthe Muslim slogan of "no to alcohol".

Pissed drunk, she approached me, and for a second I thought shewas going to lean on me for support. But she fooled me. Instead, shegave me a knockout left hook to my ribs and I had problems breathingfor a long time afterwards.

So a few strange things do happen down here, but I find themmostly charming. I mean, for me it is one of the reasons for leavingNorway: to go around living in places that don't see Oslo as thecentre of the universe.

It is also one of the absolutely most exciting places that I havebeen in, but I would like to use this opportunity to stress the factthat I didn't leave Aberdeen because I disliked the city. I got afew angry e-mails claiming this after an interview I did on FridaySportscene last week. I was so careless as to make fun of Torry, apart of Aberdeen, and compare it to the Asian part of Istanbul.

I hereby want to state that I have nothing against Torry or itsinhabitants and I am sure that foreign travel agents will start toarrange guided experience tours to Torry any minute now.